You Are Not Crazy: All About Gaslighting
Transitioning from victim to survivor presents many obstacles. The common misconception is that once the threat of harm goes away, all else follows suit. The truth is, the more lengthy and arduous process of healing lies in the mental and emotional recovery from the offenses. You will often hear me speak of narratives- the debilitating process of sorting out the conflicting narratives of your truth versus that of your perpetrator, how your narrative aligns with your truth, and how to speak your truth in the aftermath. Undoubtedly one of the most subtle nuances of victimization to work against is gaslighting. Gaslighting is a tool, a tactic of sorts, used by perpetrators (and enablers) to make a victim question his or her reality. Because perpetrators are master groomers, they have lots of practice being manipulative, armed not only with grooming tactics, but they also have the advantage of being supported by enablers who reinforce their grooming practices- the main being gaslighting.
Let’s take a look at some of the ways perpetrators use gaslighting.
They lie about simple things like what they ate for breakfast. Even if you saw what was on their plate, and witnessed them eating, they will tell you your recollection is incorrect. This part of the process is to lay the foundation for uncertainty and future self-doubt. They reinforce this by telling you things with such a degree of certainty you’re absorbed in the story, then, they will flat out deny they ever said any of it. I can remember engaging in casual conversation about foods I disliked (eggs being number one on the list) while my perpetrator spoke affectionately about having a love for eggs, all kinds of eggs- boiled, deviled, fried, poached and every other kind. During a breakfast potluck, I watched as my perpetrator stacked his plate high with eggs and raved about the many breakfast choices containing eggs. A week later, during another potluck, I remember saying to my perpetrator “I bet you’re in heaven with all the egg options on the table”. He flat out looked at me and said: “why would you say that I hate eggs”. No need to go into the push and pull of the conversation that followed, I’m sure you get the gist.
Another thing they do is attack any insecurity, no matter how small. Let’s say you stated in casual conversation that you needed to amp up your workout routine because, after a brief hiatus from the gym over the holidays, you started to put on weight. That tiny statement is gold for the gaslighting process to paint you as insecure and overweight when the time is right.
In case I neglected to point it out, gaslighters thrive in confusion. They make it a habit to project onto their victim, accusing them of the very things they are doing. For instance, they will accuse them of lying, cheating, or being a bad person when they are the ones lying, cheating, and being bad people. They are master manipulators who thrive on making their victims feel insecure and questioning themselves about everything from the decisions they make to their self-worth.
Gaslighting is a slow process during which the perpetrator takes their time sowing destructive seeds along the way. They tear down with the push and pull tactics of criticism and positive reinforcement. For instance, they may tell you your work is inadequate, then praise you for a job well done, or tell you they hate the color red, but like the way you wear it. This ties directly to the first thing I mentioned- laying the foundation for uncertainty and future self-doubt. They will tell other people things about their victim like they’re crazy or a liar, then tell the victim these things were said about them by other people. Once they get to the point of involving others and relaying their opinions to the victim, the foundation is already laid, and, from this point, they continue building upon it.
Remember gaslighting is a tool perpetrators use to aid them in their offenses. You are not crazy. Gaslighting by design is to keep you unbalanced and questioning your sanity. To combat gaslighting, try the following:
Identify the distortion-you know what you said, saw or felt
Show yourself some compassion
Tell your truth
Journal-keeping a record helps you identify the lies
Seek out professional help or support groups
This list is not all-inclusive, just a start to a long journey of recovery if you've been the victim of gaslighting. Remember, you are not in this alone. There are many resources to help you on your journey. It is ok not to be ok and to ask for help.